Think
by Mikesch10
Summary: Inspector Takagi finds a suicidal person. In her hand she is holding a farewell letter. It is telling the story of her life, her motives and it is a prayer. A prayer to the finder.


Inspector Takagi sighed.

He did not understand why all the residents of the block in Beika had been killed some days ago. The doors were turned apart and everywhere he has looked there were dead bodys. On the mirror there was standing just one word. Revenge. Takagi didn't knew what that meant. Of course he knew the word, but he didn't knew why it was painted on the mirror. The dead bodys, lying in their own blood had been very scary. Some he had known, like the famous actress Chris Vineyard and some of them he had seen there for the first time.

He sighed again.

Japan was very silent today and he had to drive through Tokyo today.

He didn't mind about the silence, but he didn't even find a parking offender and he got bored.

There was nothing.

Nothing but snow, a tree, a bush, one more tree, a lot more snow, a car, a girl lying in the snow, one more bu...

Wait a second! The policemen jumped to the brake, so that the tires squeaked and the car stopped with a jar. There truly was a girl lying in the snow. The young man got out of the car very hasty and ran to the girl's lifeless body. Her skin was full of ice and she wasn't breathing anymore. Suddenly he noticed that it was a young woman. A young woman, who has been shot, based from the fact that there was hole in her head. A hole that probably was caused by the gun she was holding in her hand. The other hand was clasped around a piece of paper, wich was very difficult to get out.

_Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding_  
_Fall into your sunlight_  
_The future's open wide beyond believing_  
_To know why hope dies_

_My name isn't important. You don't have to know it to understand me. It's enough if I tell you that I'm not myself anymore. My whole world fell apart when she died. Everything's worthless without her._

_My life._

_My work._

_Even my way of thinking has changed. Once upon a time I was a hunter. A child, trained to be a killer. They've stolen my childhood and my family, so I early had to learn to shoot, to kill without thinking of the others and being emotionalless. Today, I am the haunted one, the one who is chased from place to place. The one, who can't sleep at night. I can't sleep anymore, because I hear her voice again and again – a voice, I will never ever hear again. I see her face – her face, wich is too naive, too good for this world – and again and again I can hear what she said to me, when I saw her the last time._

_**"I am well!" **_

_This words are turning apart my heart again and again, they don't leave my head, don't leave me alone._

_I am dead._

_I've died, when Gin told me he has killed her. And then he laughed. He just laughed and I wasn't able to cry. I couldn't cry, when he told that she won't come again._

_She._

_Akemi._

_My one and everything in the world._

_Losing what was found, a world so hollow_  
_Suspended in a compromise_  
_The silence of this sound is soon to follow_  
_Somehow sundown_

_I failed. I sweared to myself to protect Akemi in every situation on earth. I did protect her – till a few months ago. One time, only one single time I haven't been with her and that caused her death. She died in the arms of a young man, who should be dead too. But I don't mind about my obviously failed work. I don't care about that detective, who lives and solves cases like a machine, I don't even mind about him to queer Anokatas pitch._

_I don't care about anything._

_Akemi…_

_Since she has died, everything's silent. Silent and cold. Icecold. Since she has died, I can't feel anything anymore, there's only emptiness in my body._

_Neverending emptiness._

_And finding answers_  
_Is forgetting all of the questions we call home_  
_Passing the graves of the unknown_

_An answer._

_I am looking for it since months, but I can't find it. I will never find it._

_I just want a single answer! Why? Why did she had to die? Why her and not somebody else? Why didn't Gin sent someone else to death with his false promises?_

_With one strike everything is in my mind again. Everything I used to forget about since I am a little child._

_My parents._

_Dead._

_Cold eyes, wich are looking into mine without any expression._

_Arms that take me away, pull me away, away from my mother. From my mother, who is holding tight my father's hand._

_Away from the blood that covers the floor and runs out of the lifeless bodys._

_Away from everything that means protection, joy and home to me._

_A scream._

_A scream that isn't mine, but is coming out of my throat. I'm screaming all my sorrow and pain to the world that won't listen to me. But I can't scream as long as everything is forgotten and the pressure is taken from my weak shoulders. They're too weak to carry the weight of the world._

_As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading_  
_Illusions of the sunlight_  
_And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting_  
_Love gone for so long_

_Love is a word I only know from being telled. You feel save when you're loved, they say. Most of my classmates that I only knew for one year, because I was changing class or school again, they often thaught, they would love. But after some weaks they were heartbroken. I don't know what I felt for Akemi or what I still feel for her. I would've done everything for her. If she had asked me to stop my research, I would've done it. I hadn't mind about the consequences as long as she was happy._

_Tell me, is that love?_

_I don't know it._

_They have lied to me my whole life. Anokata always told me that my parents wanted me and Akemi to become murderers._

_To become killers._

_To become deadhearted monsters._

_This day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know_  
_Knowing that faith is all I hold _

_But Akemi has never been a monster. Never. She was too good for this hard, cold world and its cruel, selfish people. She was too good for Anokata and his mad ideas, wich caused somebodys dead. Every singel idea of him did. I don't know how to think about what I was doing. I had doubts about it the first time when Akemi and Rye got seperated with violence. I don't know the reason why, but Akemi cried day and night about her lost boyfriend. I was sixteen and I still hear her crying if I keep listening properly._

_It hurted me to know that I wasn't able to help her, because I knew that no wonder of this world would be able to make her smile a little bit. I flew into my work and into my school work, because I didn't know what to do._

_It was my anchor._

_My last saving anchor. My work and my sister._

_And I've lost who I am_  
_And I can't understand_  
_Why my heart is so broken_  
_Rejecting your love_  
_Without love gone wrong_  
_Life_  
_Less words_  
_Carry on _

_I've lost myself. I've lost who I was._

_Years ago, the little girl I used to be has died and someone else replaced her. Someone, who was able to kill without thinking of the consequences. Someone, who was able to handle guns and other dangerous weapons._

_Sherry._

_One of the most dangerous members of the organisation. And one of the most accurate members. If she killed someone, nobody was able to catch her for murdering – a skill that was even admired by Gin._

_I don't admire anyone anymore._

_Not Gin._

_Not Anokata._

_Not even Shinichi Kudou, who I had admired for his barefaced luck and his intelligence._

_My heart is broken and the only one, who would be able to heal it has disappeared from my life. She is dead. For now and forever._

_But I know_  
_All I know_  
_Is that the end's beginning_

_But something's still alive inside my soul._

_Rage._

_Hate._

_The end will come._

_My end._

_Their end._

_His end._

_And I'm the one, who has to care for a painful end, an end that is embarrassing in his eyes._

_Who I am from the start_  
_Take me home to my heart_  
_Let me go_  
_And I will run_  
_I will not be silenced_

_**I wish I had a home. **_

_I don't know, how often Akemi had said this sentence to me, but I still can hear it. I still can hear the desire in her voice, when I'm starring out of my window. I still can hear it at night, when I'm unable to sleep and don't want to sleep, because I know, what's going to happen. Because I know, my past will chase me in my dreams._

_I want to forget everything that has happened, want to run away, to loose the plot, to run without turning around for one single time. I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember things that will turn apart wounds that never healed._

_The death._

_My parent's death._

_My sister's death._

_My living will's death._

_All this time spent in vain_  
_Wasted years_  
_Wasted gain_  
_All is lost_  
_Hope remains_  
_And this war's not over _

_I can't endure this anymore. I just can't endure this anymore, I don't know how to stand up when I'm knocked down. A few months ago, I would've stood up, would've continued living. But a few months ago she was alive. A few months ago I was sure to do the right thing._

_Today I know that it was the worst thing I've ever done in my short life. Today I know that it was a mistake to trust Anokata._

_He just had used me. Me and her. Me and Akemi. He alwys just had done what he wanted to do and what was for advantage to him._

_And I was his card upon his sleeve, because nobody ever thaught of a teenager to murder. But I did. And I will alwayas be able to murder. If I want or not, killing is a part of me. Became a part of me when they tried to kill Akemi for the first time. I murdered her agressor. Without thinking of any consequences I killed him._

_But I won't ever give up. Maybe he sent every single killer of the organisation after me and maybe he thinks to got an easy game, but that's only his wish. I'll put a spoke in his wheel, because this war is not over. No, it has just begun._

_Theres a light_  
_Theres the sun_  
_Taking all the shattered ones_  
_To the place we belong_  
_And his love will conquer _

_The light. I don't like it for usual, I prefer the darkness, but I'm starting to understand, why Akemi loved the sun that much. It makes everything bright with its shiny light and everyone, who sees it has to smile. Even if it's only small smile, it is a smile. And sometimes it's healing wounds that have been open for ages. But I'm not sure if it is able to heal my wounds, because none of the scars that cover my back and my body have to be healed. My sole scars have to be healed._

_The sole wounds that happened through my short life. That are turning apart my soul._

_They happend because of his hate._

_Because of his anger._

_Because of the death that is gone along with me for my whole life._

_Yesterday I died, tommorrows bleeding_  
_Fall into your sunlight_

_I'm going to die. Not only inside. I'm stucking in a body that is going to die too._

_Somewhen._

_Somehow._

_Somewhere._

_I just don't know when, how and why it is going to die._

_But I know that I have to do something first._

_I have to fight._

_For my mother._

_For my father._

_For my beloved sister, for Akemi._

_For everything that means something to me._

_I don't want you to forgive me. I don't want you to comprehend my motivations. I don't even want you to understand me._

_But I want you to think._

_I grew up in a world without love. I didn't had a choice. People often had an opportunity to help me, but they didn't. They just sat down and kept watching. Kept watching how the organisation slowly killed the child in me. And then they killed me. I want noone to have the same destiny I had. I want to know that I have lived in a world where children are still children and murderers are still murderers._

_**I want you to think. **_

_I'm sure you want to know my name. The truth is: I don't have a name._

_My name is meaningless._

_Once upon a time my name was Miyano._

_Shiho Miyano._


End file.
